Narration
by hangthesilver
Summary: You know what's not funny? Axel narrating his life. You know what is funny? Axel narrating porn. Akuroku, AU, fluffish.


**Title:** Narration  
**Rating:** K+  
**Word Count: **1, 958  
**Summary:** You know what's not funny? Axel narrating his life. You know what is funny? Axel narrating porn.

**Author's Notes: **Something short, not very substantial, and because we're all having bad days lately. Sort of fluffy. Also sort of stupid, but we're cool bro.

* * *

"And now we're walking up the pathway to the stairs, and oh, Roxas is looking at me not very happily, I think he's a little jealous he can't talk as much as I can, maybe he'll kill me while I sleep tonight. Word on the street is he knows how to use knives very well, sort of like using them all together to create weapons, but we all know there's one specific _knife_ he can use very well, if you catch my drift, viewers, and—"

"Axel! Shut the fuck up! I swear to—"

"And now he's cursing at me, what kind of fresh hell is this? Roxas inever/i curses at me, he says he loves me, Axel does not believe him, nope, not at all, who loves--_auuugh._"

Roxas had stopped walking and turned around swiftly, to kick Axel in the shin, harder than necessary, and Axel was knocked sideways, off the cement and into the grass, where he wheeled his arms dramatically and fell onto the grass, the bags he was carrying going everywhere. He laid there for a few moments, Roxas glaring at him without apology, eyes fluttering open and shut. It was quiet for a few seconds, some birds calling into the gray and muddy sky, and then—

"And now, Axel is lying on the grass, winded, but not broken—"

Roxas emitted a shortened shriek, and then continued on up the stairs.

"Roxas! Roxas, are you just going to leave me here?" Axel called after him, but there was no response. Axel could hear the pebbled steps creaking underneath the stomping of his feet, and Axel always thought that one of these days those stairs were going to collapse, because it sounded like someone was being crunched into broken bones every time someone walked up them, but they survived to kill another day, and then Axel heard the jangle of Roxas's many-keyed chain and then the door slamming.

Axel continued to lay there for a few more moments, then said to himself, "And Axel is lying here, broken and spread eagled on the floor, while his ladylove goes on up to get over his tragic demise and live to fight—"

"Are you always this demented, or did you hit your head when you fell?"

Axel raised himself up on his elbows in the grass, looked onto the sidewalk to see Demyx peering at him, clutching a bag of what looked like hay.

"Is that supposed to be a pick up line?"

"Only if you want Roxas to kill me."

"You know, that's not a bad—"

"What are you doing on the grass? Is Roxas coming back down, are you going to have a picnic?"

"No, we're going to have sex on the lawn."

"As long as it's not against my car I'm happy," Demyx said, a little crossly, and then moved across the grass to sit down, dropping his bag of hay next to Axel's own. "What'd you do this time?"

Axel shrugged. "I'm merely attempting to show Roxas what it would be like if he were in a movie."

There was quiet.

"You know," Axel clarified, "like in a book, or a movie, where there's a narrator?"

Demyx arched an eyebrow. "And you're accomplishing this how?"

Axel thought for a moment, and then said, "After being abandoned by his former ladylove, left for dead, Axel is lying broken and betrayed on the grass, nearly dead, when suddenly, he is stumbled upon by a young lad with hair of gold, curious as to what caused this handsome man to be nearly dead on the grass. The young lad comes closer, perhaps enchanted by the red locks of handsomeness and the perfectly slanted eyes—"

"Your hair makes you look like a clown," Demyx pointed out.

"—and the young lad comes closer, closer, until he gets close enough to want to touch—"

"Oh, you're sick," Demyx said, sounding slightly miffed as he shifted around on the grass. "No wonder Roxas left you here."

"He hit me!"

"He didn't hit you hard enough, it sounds like. I can fix that for you," he added, sounding hopeful.

Axel raised an eyebrow at him, but made no effort to get up or move. "He's going to realize he left me out here any second," he said, more to the sky than to Demyx, "and come back for me. I mean, he's my ladylove."

"Why is he the lady?"

"What?"

"Obviously," Demyx said, seriously, and out of the corner of his eyes Axel saw him resting his chin thoughtfully into his hand, "he's not the lady. I mean, _come on."_

"I'm afraid I don't follow," Axel said, a little coldly.

Demyx threw up his hands. "Oh, whatever Axel. Fine. Sit out here on the grass and mope."

"I'm not moping. I am strategically planning out my next move on how to get back at him for leaving me out here in the cold."

"It's not that cold."

"_And_," Axel pressed on, blithely ignoring him, "for not appreciating my story."

"It's not a story. You're narrating what you're doing. That's not a story. Except right then you were talking about a hero. So I guess that's a story. But then it's not much of a narration then, is it?"

"Does Xigbar let you talk this much?"

Demyx actually blushed, and then said in a more steadying voice, "Well, obviously Roxas doesn't let you talk this much."

"We're both in the same boat then," Axel conceded, morosely, and then sat up, looking up into the sky again for a moment. "He gets annoyed too easily." Then he grinned. "I had hardly even started though. He doesn't even know what it feels like yet."

"Your funeral," Demyx observed.

"I promise we'll be quiet."

"I've heard that one before."

"What, me or Roxas? He's the loud one."

"LALALALA—"

"I don't know why he can't be quiet, I mean, I know I'm good but—"

"LALALALALA—"

"—you think he would have _some_ type of self control. I honestly thought—"

"LALALALALALALALALALALA—"

"—and he likes using the ice cream, what the—"

"What are you both doing?"

Axel shut his mouth and Demyx removed his hands from his ears as they both looked to see Xigbar standing on the sidewalk now, looking at them both curiously. Demyx involuntarily seemed to make a delighted noise as he grabbed his bag and stood up, flying toward the man as Axel rolled his eyes and grabbed his own bags and removed himself from the ground, stretching his back a little.

"Demyx's telling me I'm a bitch."

Xigbar was patting Demyx's back roughly, and then he frowned at Axel. "Well, aren't you?"

Axel threw up his hands in defeat, then threw them down and waved goodbye, going to the stairs and finally making his way to the top, the stairs creaking protesting and threatening to give away. He cast a backward glance down, and saw that the two of them were staring almost adoringly into each other's eyes.

Disgusted, Axel reached the top and said, "And now the brave, scorned young hero, nursed back to health by the young lad with the golden hair and that young lad's knight in shining armor with a very specific X on his eye, returns to his ladylove, ready to set things straight once and for all, ready to take on the dragon and—"

Roxas threw open the window in the front and shouted at him as he approached the door, "IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'M NOT LETTING YOU IN."

Axel stared at him for a moment, and then smiled lightly and said, "And he reaches a roadblock in the form of a shrieking, impatient young, not fully developed dragon ready to do battle in—"

The window slammed, and Axel started fishing in his pockets for his keys.

A moment later the window flew open again and Roxas yelled, "GIVE ME THE HAY, I NEED TO FEED THE RABBITS."

Axel immediately gave him the bag and started, "And the dragon, confused by everything and everyone—"

The window was shut.

Axel made a face and found his keys, opened the door to find the hay sitting on the ground next to the rabbit cage, the bag gone, and Roxas in the bedroom with the door locked. Deciding it was better to simply leave him there while he cooled off, Axel went about tearing open the hay and cleaning the cage, saying stuff like, "And now, Axel cleans the cage while his scorned, immature lover sulks in the bedroom," and interchanging it with, "The only way to save the world is to clean this cage, and the red haired hero is frantically racing against the clock," and more often with things like, "And if this rabbit had polka dots it would be infected and a zombie and oh my god, the horror." By the time he was finished he was sweating, and ready to change out of his clothes and continue on with his life.

Realizing the time for confrontation was imminent, he considered taking a beer out of the fridge, but it would more than likely just make him talk _more_ and Roxas was currently hiding from him talking, thus, maybe it wasn't best course of action at this point. He did take necessary precautions by wiping his forehead with a paper towel, guzzling some orange juice, straightening up the kitchen counter, washing the dishes in the sink, contemplatively wondering if they should have mashed potatoes or green beans for dinner, decided on the green beans, warmed up the stove, switched his mind, found out they had no butter, went back to the green beans, dumped half of them down the drain, and then wondered if he could use peanut butter for the mashed potatoes instead, it was all butter, what was the different, and he had half of it made before he realized the peanut butter was _chunky, _and oh, no, and then threw all of it and decided they would have Chinese food.

Unable to do anything else to prepare, he went to the door and knocked, resisted the urge to say something like, "And so Axel knocks on the door of his ladylove," hearing the TV on inside.

"Roxas," he called. "Roxas, can I come in?"

The door flew open, and Roxas practically dragged him inside by the scruff of his neck, Axel yelping in surprise but purring a little when Roxas crushes their lips together.

"Miss me?" Axel said, a little incoherently, as Roxas threw him on the bed.

"You brought me porn, of course I miss you," Roxas pants, trying to take off his pants, pointing at the TV.

Axel shoots up, knocking Roxas backward and looking at the screen, confused.

"I didn't—that wasn't—"

But Roxas tackles him at that moment, and there's not much he can do except go with it, except that's not much of a problem, and by the time they're finished, Demyx's knocked on the door, yelling something about how Roxas needs to shut up and they have to get rid of their ice cream and Demyx needs his bag back, _please_, and Roxas is lying curled up on his chest, the movie still playing.

"You do know that's not my porn?"

Roxas blinked. "It was in your bag."

"I must have switched it up with Demyx's downstairs."

Roxas blinked, and then laughed. "Whatever."

Axel grins against his hair, reminds himself to switch bags with Demyx more frequently, and looks contemplatively at the movie.

"And now the young lovers are curled up on the bed, satiated, while a movie plays on the screen, and oh, he's a nice looking young fellow, and oh, that man there, he's ready and willing—"

"GODDAMNIT AXEL SHUT UP."


End file.
